Timeless

 

When did we move so apart

That all I see now are my feathers ripping through the air

Screaming for help

Yet you stand there smiling

Bidding me goodbye

Because you never wanted to try

Time has bent the rules

And projects our memories on the parchment of my skin

As I chew until it bleeds

I have ripped apart the sky

Don’t you see?

The stars are falling down on my roof today

Scattering

Like the unburnt crackers

Don’t you see

I have burns all over my body

Body, once a temple, now a mere graveyard of memories

I am dressed in nudity

For you to see I am in pain

A cherry wine stain on this canvas called life

I am just a stain, friend

Tell me how do I remove myself

When I can’t pretend that I have forgotten how you turned away

When I died everyday for someone to tell me I am loved too

I have eaten all the knives

For this voice to slither the throat of my expectations

The ones I never fulfilled perhaps

And now you blame me for the shrieks, the screams and the necrosis of my dreams

It was my fault

For removing these peels of my masked happiness

Until I was lying bare

For the world to see and gawk at my spilled secrets

Secrets standing on the side of the road you never took

Because you were scared to explore my demons

Secrets which begged everyday

To find a closet in your heart

Your heart, which you complained getting strangled

By my sadness

So you decided one day to take my full name

“we are no more friends”

I hurt like your favourite actor who killed himself

But he is dead

And I am alive

Am I alive?

I maybe alive

Don’t you see

I am on  the verge of falling off the cliff

The cliff whose rope ends at the tower in front of your house

Maybe I won’t die as tragically

Leaving behind a suicide note

For you to cry over and fall into guilt every single day

I will rather bid you goodbye

Just by saying

“I TOLD YOU”

Do you listen

Or are you pretending to be sane again

Because I have been insane to fit in that mind of yours which demand peace every time i say “listen”

And you reply with “not today..please..”

You plead like i am an elastic band

Breaking on your hand

Every time i speak out

Don’t you remember

You asked for a chance

And I gave you one

Which you trampled under your foot

Like a dry autumn leaf which once graced the pages of your empty diary

Now its crumbled pieces

Fly with the wind like the particles of sand

And so does our pinkie promises

That we made as we talked for the first time

We were young

Perhaps young enough to believe the false forevers

Don’t you realise

You abandoned me

Like that home on  the bank of the lonely brook disappearing into the forest

You haunted me there

Your memories haunt me now

So this is another goodbye

Which I don’t mean

Until one day I will mean this

And you will look back

Wanting to run towards me

But I

I will be long gone

Like that puff of smoke

Which will spread right over your face

Sit in your lungs

And make it hard  for you to breathe….

***

When I die

 

I am the old frock frills that you made for me

When I was two

I still sway my hips

As time is the needle you sewed it with

And I am the only thread that doesn’t change, Ma

But I should have grown up

Should have known

That falling from the void

Takes the womb together

I killed you in your dreams, didn’t I

But now you are scared too

Your skin bows down and your face droops

So does your hope

You say you are growing old

But I never grew up

I still wear that frock as my own funeral dress

Tell me Ma

How would you dress me?

They say they bury an unmarried girl in red

Red, the color of my ragin blood

Red, the stain of your murdered hope

Red, the setting sun’s last goodbye

Red, a question after death

Bury me alive ma

For dead scares me

And I am not ready to be a part of graveyard yet

For Baba told me I will be sunshine wherever I go

Maybe ground might need me someday

And When it does

Keep a sunflower by my side

It will bloom one day beneath the ground

Seeing you smile.

Until then darkness will keep covering me whole

As I pull my hair tight

And my lips tremble to the force of my hand

I would breathe

Yet i will still take shallow breaths

To dissolve myself into the void

For I would want to lose control

And not remember myself

But till then I will keep killing Baba

One dream at a time

His brittle bones will tire down

Holding on to the weight of my life

His back  will stoop

And his hands wouldn’t hold tight, the thread of my life

He will fall with a thud

It will sound just like the brass glass falling

But from my hands

Because I would have vaporized

From the photographs that you and he captured together

I would have been swallowed by the walls surrounding  me

Slowly and surely ebbing away

Like the sweet waves stripping and teasing the shore

I will take away the last voice of my laughter

Hiding in the sea shells

That you would never come to pick

That’s the thing with being in mountains

It snatches the vision to find anything more beautiful

I would have become water

Flowing into the ocean

You would not know the way to reach me

And i will not keep a hint behind for you to find

Unlike I have done all this while

I have turned your heart into pantry

Where I store my sadness

Which dries your heart like the autumn leaves

Burning with full ferociousness in summer

One day I will be gone

Just like the clouds do after rainfall

It will be clear azure  sky

And the sun will shine again

One  above  the earth

And one below it

A garden will grow

Inside your heart once more

As you will see your younger kid achieve her dreams

Because who am I

If not a mere catastrophe that occurred after a while

Who am I

Without a dream to live through

Who am I

If not a collapse of the kingdom I built for you once and then destroyed it

You will forget me one day

And when you do

Take that little frock out

And burn it down

For it will reach the heavens maybe

And i will be born again

This time not  as your daughter

But as your everlasting  hope

That things get well

Sooner or later

***

Heartache

 

We were like gallium hearts

Melting on each other’s hands

Wanting to be reshaped

Into what looked like eternity

But what’s infinite if confined

Like our love

Crushed

Redefining boundaries