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  • Untitled Document

    Timeless

     

    When did we move so apart

    That all I see now are my feathers ripping through the air

    Screaming for help

    Yet you stand there smiling

    Bidding me goodbye

    Because you never wanted to try

    Time has bent the rules

    And projects our memories on the parchment of my skin

    As I chew until it bleeds

    I have ripped apart the sky

    Don’t you see?

    The stars are falling down on my roof today

    Scattering

    Like the unburnt crackers

    Don’t you see

    I have burns all over my body

    Body, once a temple, now a mere graveyard of memories

    I am dressed in nudity

    For you to see I am in pain

    A cherry wine stain on this canvas called life

    I am just a stain, friend

    Tell me how do I remove myself

    When I can’t pretend that I have forgotten how you turned away

    When I died everyday for someone to tell me I am loved too

    I have eaten all the knives

    For this voice to slither the throat of my expectations

    The ones I never fulfilled perhaps

    And now you blame me for the shrieks, the screams and the necrosis of my dreams

    It was my fault

    For removing these peels of my masked happiness

    Until I was lying bare

    For the world to see and gawk at my spilled secrets

    Secrets standing on the side of the road you never took

    Because you were scared to explore my demons

    Secrets which begged everyday

    To find a closet in your heart

    Your heart, which you complained getting strangled

    By my sadness

    So you decided one day to take my full name

    “we are no more friends”

    I hurt like your favourite actor who killed himself

    But he is dead

    And I am alive

    Am I alive?

    I maybe alive

    Don’t you see

    I am on  the verge of falling off the cliff

    The cliff whose rope ends at the tower in front of your house

    Maybe I won’t die as tragically

    Leaving behind a suicide note

    For you to cry over and fall into guilt every single day

    I will rather bid you goodbye

    Just by saying

    “I TOLD YOU”

    Do you listen

    Or are you pretending to be sane again

    Because I have been insane to fit in that mind of yours which demand peace every time i say “listen”

    And you reply with “not today..please..”

    You plead like i am an elastic band

    Breaking on your hand

    Every time i speak out

    Don’t you remember

    You asked for a chance

    And I gave you one

    Which you trampled under your foot

    Like a dry autumn leaf which once graced the pages of your empty diary

    Now its crumbled pieces

    Fly with the wind like the particles of sand

    And so does our pinkie promises

    That we made as we talked for the first time

    We were young

    Perhaps young enough to believe the false forevers

    Don’t you realise

    You abandoned me

    Like that home on  the bank of the lonely brook disappearing into the forest

    You haunted me there

    Your memories haunt me now

    So this is another goodbye

    Which I don’t mean

    Until one day I will mean this

    And you will look back

    Wanting to run towards me

    But I

    I will be long gone

    Like that puff of smoke

    Which will spread right over your face

    Sit in your lungs

    And make it hard  for you to breathe….

    ***


    Untitled Document

    When I die

     

    I am the old frock frills that you made for me

    When I was two

    I still sway my hips

    As time is the needle you sewed it with

    And I am the only thread that doesn’t change, Ma

    But I should have grown up

    Should have known

    That falling from the void

    Takes the womb together

    I killed you in your dreams, didn’t I

    But now you are scared too

    Your skin bows down and your face droops

    So does your hope

    You say you are growing old

    But I never grew up

    I still wear that frock as my own funeral dress

    Tell me Ma

    How would you dress me?

    They say they bury an unmarried girl in red

    Red, the color of my ragin blood

    Red, the stain of your murdered hope

    Red, the setting sun’s last goodbye

    Red, a question after death

    Bury me alive ma

    For dead scares me

    And I am not ready to be a part of graveyard yet

    For Baba told me I will be sunshine wherever I go

    Maybe ground might need me someday

    And When it does

    Keep a sunflower by my side

    It will bloom one day beneath the ground

    Seeing you smile.

    Until then darkness will keep covering me whole

    As I pull my hair tight

    And my lips tremble to the force of my hand

    I would breathe

    Yet i will still take shallow breaths

    To dissolve myself into the void

    For I would want to lose control

    And not remember myself

    But till then I will keep killing Baba

    One dream at a time

    His brittle bones will tire down

    Holding on to the weight of my life

    His back  will stoop

    And his hands wouldn’t hold tight, the thread of my life

    He will fall with a thud

    It will sound just like the brass glass falling

    But from my hands

    Because I would have vaporized

    From the photographs that you and he captured together

    I would have been swallowed by the walls surrounding  me

    Slowly and surely ebbing away

    Like the sweet waves stripping and teasing the shore

    I will take away the last voice of my laughter

    Hiding in the sea shells

    That you would never come to pick

    That’s the thing with being in mountains

    It snatches the vision to find anything more beautiful

    I would have become water

    Flowing into the ocean

    You would not know the way to reach me

    And i will not keep a hint behind for you to find

    Unlike I have done all this while

    I have turned your heart into pantry

    Where I store my sadness

    Which dries your heart like the autumn leaves

    Burning with full ferociousness in summer

    One day I will be gone

    Just like the clouds do after rainfall

    It will be clear azure  sky

    And the sun will shine again

    One  above  the earth

    And one below it

    A garden will grow

    Inside your heart once more

    As you will see your younger kid achieve her dreams

    Because who am I

    If not a mere catastrophe that occurred after a while

    Who am I

    Without a dream to live through

    Who am I

    If not a collapse of the kingdom I built for you once and then destroyed it

    You will forget me one day

    And when you do

    Take that little frock out

    And burn it down

    For it will reach the heavens maybe

    And i will be born again

    This time not  as your daughter

    But as your everlasting  hope

    That things get well

    Sooner or later

    ***


    Untitled Document

    Heartache

     

    We were like gallium hearts

    Melting on each other’s hands

    Wanting to be reshaped

    Into what looked like eternity

    But what’s infinite if confined

    Like our love

    Crushed

    Redefining boundaries

     

    About The Author

    Bharti Bansal

    Bharti Bansal is a 22 year-old poet from Shimla, India. She has been published twice in books Sentient and Love As We Know It. She writes mainly on depression and other mental health issues and suffers from clinical depression herself. Bharti finds solace in stars and space and wants to pursue astronomy in the near future. She hopes to write a poetry book someday.